Heart's a Mess

 I keep thinking back over the past few months and feeling like there's a piece missing from my life. I should have found my guitar with Cameron. I should have gone to look for apartments in Logan with him. I should have gone to Bear Lake with him. I should have watched a meteor shower with him, and hiked to Twin Lakes and Lake Solitude and sat at  Silver Lake and looked out over the water with him. I should have been sitting next to him on the fourth of July watching the fireworks on Ensign Peak. He should have been in my life this summer, and he isn't. And I miss him so much it is painful. It's been five months almost, but my heart still hurts like it was yesterday.

I know it is uncomfortable, and taboo, and I'm supposed to be all girl power stronger and all that jazz, but I still love him. And I still miss him. And I keep hoping that fate will somehow put us in each other's paths again, and that maybe we can fix this. I keep wanting to believe this happened for a reason, and there's something somewhere over the rainbow, but I keep getting stuck on the fact that he's what I wanted and he is gone now. And that hurts SO MUCH. It's not like we were dating and then stopped dating and that's sad and you'll get over it in a couple of months. It's like we were married. He was a regular fixture in my life for five years, and in one day that was ripped away from me. Five years of my life, all of my heart, the future I had happily been imagining for seven months, gone as though it had never even existed. And that is painful, traumatic, and in no way simple. I would love--love--to say that he was a bastard, and I hate him, and I never want to see him again. After your fiance leaves you by email, that's the appropriate response. But I can't say that and mean it. I still miss him, and I still believe that it was right, and I still want him to come back, or let me know that I can come find him.

I am different now. I am stronger, more assertive, more forthcoming with my feelings. I am learning more and more what I am willing to put up with, and what I'm not. I recognize my shortcomings in our relationship, and I've worked to eradicate those traits in my personality. Slowly, I'm healing.

But my heart still hurts. And I still miss him. Every day, I miss him, and my life feels like a puzzle that's almost completed, but there's one big piece missing and I can't find it anywhere. All I want to do is find it again.