Longing, they say, because desires are full of endless distances

Now's when my life begins

2011-05-09T01:05:00.007-06:00

Look at the world so close and I'm halfway to it
Look at the world so close, do I even dare?
Look at me, there at last, I just have to do it
Should I? No--Here I go!

~Tangled

I graduated on Friday/Saturday. I've been in school since I was four, and for the first time in my life, I will wake up tomorrow morning and it won't be summer vacation. This picture is totally me right now.

Things that didn't become excrutiatingly painful until after one fractures their tailbone:

2010-07-22T02:20:00.003-06:00

1. Sneezing and laughing (crying, however, is pain free!)
2. Pants. Or tight skirts. Or anything that is not flowing away from the butt. Pressure, much?
3. Kneeling/bending. And of course, there is also that terrible luck that you drop EVERYTHING that graces your fingertips.
4. Standing. On the plus side, my feet no longer hurt at work! Guess my body just couldn't handle TWO places hurting. Oh and walking sucks too.
5. Lifting heavy objects
6. I'm sure there's more, but I've been trying to block them out.

Things that don't cause excruciating pain.

1. Laying on my side.

So guess what I've been doing for a large part of the past week and a half?
Yup.

The underlying thesis of a fractured tailbone is this: It hurts, and there's really nothing you can do about it. You can pop painkillers, and they may work depending on your luck and the amount of narcotic contained in them, but that's really your only chance. You can get a special pillow (in my case a travel pillow from my job, though I'm considering upgrading to a toilet seat) but it isn't a cure-all. It'll still hurt, and it'll usually become worse right when you think it's gotten better. And it's that awful, hard to pinpoint pain that's like a sore bruise, only on the inside, not out. And it comes and goes in ebbs, so when you've spent eight hours on your feet and feel fine and have hope that maybe it's starting to get better you get slammed with an unbelievable amount of soreness that makes it hard to consider trying to get out of bet even though you're starving.

And speaking of starving, I am now scared to eat because I really can't exercise. And I'm really pissed because I was just starting to get jazzed about biking to school and gradually easing myself into running and all this crap, and now I can't do much of anything, and won't be able to for WEEKS. Ugh.

I also want to add that tailbones are one of the lamest vestige body parts ever.

A quote from a book I've been thinking about lately::

2010-06-16T02:29:00.002-06:00

"IT happened. There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding. Andy Evans raped me last August when I was drunk and too young to know what was happening. It wasn't my fault. He hurt me. It wasn't my fault. And I'm not going to let it kill me. I can grow."
~Melinda in Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

Poem of the moment

2010-06-15T01:22:00.002-06:00

So I've got this idea that I'll put a poem in my sidebar and then when people read my blog they can be like "hey, what's that?" and be introduced to some new awesome-ness. I call it Poem of the Moment (PotM) because I am far too lazy to change it weekly, and monthly doesn't sound like it'll work either. Whenever I feel like it seems to be the best protocol. But, you ask, what will happen if I stumble upon awesomeness and then it disappears because Cait decided to change it? Never fear! Before I change my PofM, I'll put it in a post so it can be easily referenced. See? I'm making your life easier, three or so readers! PS If you are reading this, feel free to come out of lurkdom and comment! I can only up my number of readers that I'm addressing if I know about them :)

Anyways, here's the first PofM. I discovered it in my freshman year of college, when I took creative writing from a grad student who loved (and I mean loved) the avante-garde. She believed that poems about love had to be earned, and she encouraged us to attend the graduate readings, which is one of the reasons I decided to study creative writing! It's also one of the only credits that actually meant something when I transferred to SUU, so it wins points on that count too.

When I first read this poem, it took me forever to figure out what it meant. In fact, I still don't know what it means. I don't know if I'll ever know what it means. But it doesn't matter, because the imagery and use of words in this poem is strange, but in a kind of fantastic sort of way. It's probably one of my favorite poems ever. Funny how a lot of my "favorite" reading things tends to come from classes. Heart of Darkness, Dracula Billy Collins, finding feminist theory in pretty much everything...but I digress. Here's the poem:

Tell me about the dream where they pull the bodies out of the lake
and dress them in warm clothes again.
How it was late, and no one could sleep, the horses running
until they forget that they are horses.
It's not like a tree where the roots have to end somewhere
it's more like the song on a policeman's radio,
how we rolled up the carpet so we could dance, and the days
were bright red, and every time we kissed there was another apple
to slice into pieces.
Look at the light through the windowpane. That means it's noon, that means
we're inconsolable.
Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin this.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
Tell me we'll never get used to it.

--Richard Siken, "Scheherazade"

And now, dear readers, onto the sidebar for your new PotM (which is actually lyrics)!

Billy Collins

2010-06-03T01:49:00.003-06:00

I had planned to write this whole spiel about poetry and how I didn't like it except for really exceptional poems, blah blah blah, and then I decided to watch Billy Collins read one of my very favorite poems on youtube. I really like Billy Collins, and even considered going to college at a small school in Queens, New York so I could take an English class from him. I would still like to do that. Maybe I could do that over the summer while I'm in grad school at NYU (because I'll totally be one of the like, 15 out of 700 they select for the MFA program...). I've heard that he is considered a poet who made poetry more accessible, and I tend to agree with it. His work is not lofty, not pretentious, and not trying to be more than it is. It's also hilarious, heartfelt, and profound in its simplicity. I really like how he takes ordinary objects and turns them on their heads in really unexpected ways. It's something that I like to do in my own writing (which I really haven't done lately).

Anyways, here's a video of Billy reading "The Lanyard":

And here's a video of "Litany":

Watch them. Laugh at them. Read more of his poetry. You'll be glad you did.

Eat, drink, and be merry, because on Monday....

2010-06-02T21:02:00.004-06:00

I go to work!

After a month of searching, I've been hired on at:

I'm excited. Reallly excited. Do I know anything about luggage, traveling, or trinkets? Not really. But I shall learn!

Netflix

2010-05-30T16:41:00.003-06:00

I may or may not have stayed up until five in the morning the past two evenings.

Okay, fine, I did. Why?

Because I decided to try out the two-week trial of netflix. Guess what the first thing I watched was?

Ever since Cameron and I spent our evenings watching Buffy on Hulu like three years ago, I've been dying to watch Season four. Hulu only offered up to Season three, and by the time she graduated Cameron was really into it. And then I couldn't get a hold of season four anywhere! It was tragic, especially because season four has some of the best episodes ever, including:

Hush!

Now I'm guessing the two people who read this blog probably are not big Buffy fans, but they should be. It's the total package of TV-shows--it's witty, romantic, funny, scary, heartbreaking, and it's got both cute guys AND girls in it! AND it's got vampires, which are all the rage right now! Spike, who is the best vampire EVER, could snap Edward Cullen in two like a lame sparkling twig. And he'd do it while hurling insults with a wonderful accent. So there.

So, that's how I've been spending my weekend (and my trial account). I'd say it's been worth it!

Weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around!

2010-05-25T01:24:00.005-06:00

So it is evidently wedding season. At the beginning of the summer I had four weddings to attend. Now there are weddings popping up all over the place! I'm talking like, eight. And sadly, three of them are on the same day in completely different locations around the state :(. If I tried to attend all three of them, I'd spend most of the day driving...how exactly do you pick which friend's wedding to attend? The one who got engaged first? The one you consider yourself closest to? (who also got engaged first, and who is also good friends with Cameron) The awesome co-worker who worked her butt off for the writing center? The high school friend who is getting married, which is something she's been dreaming about since before I knew her? I really want to go to all of them, but it's just not possible. Curse you for being the most popular day to get married, random Saturday!

Other wedding topics to curse:
Tiffany and cartier engagement rings for being so beautiful and SO expensive (I don't even dare look up the cartier prices...I know Tiffany is like 4000+).
And the same goes to you, wonderful designer wedding gowns that are exactly what I want minus the 3000 dollar price tag.
Curse wedding shops I would love to peruse but feel like I can't walk into because I'll be bombarded by judgy people who think that I just want to dirty the pretty satin with my grubby fingers since I'm not actually getting married (I'm paranoid...or am I? The one time I walked into a bridal shop, the people were really nice until they found out that neither me nor Casey were engaged. Then they treated us like spawn of Satan until we left).
Curse cultural halls for basketball hoops and lines on the floor and carpeted walls. I've never gotten the whole gym in a wardhouse thing. A "cultural hall" makes me think it'll be used for like, singing. And dancing. and performing. Not young men playing basketball while the young women learn how to knit, or whatever the heck we did back then. Why not have a portable basketball hoop, a dance floor, and no carpet on the walls so that events can happen there without the weird feeling of "this is a gym. Why are we having a wedding reception/potluck dinner/performance/etc in a gym?"**

**I mean no offense to those whose wedding reception was in the cultural hall. It is an economical and convenient location, and I've seen many lovely pictures of cultural hall receptions. My sister had her reception in our cultural hall. But it's just not for me. Which I'm sure my mom is thrilled about.

Curse...well, I can't think of anything else to curse, really. Moving on.

Tonight I finished watching Moulin Rouge for the kajillionth time with Cameron, and I want to talk about that, but I've realized that my posts are pretty freaking lame without pictures and I can't figure out how to post them. Someone help me so I can have a my favorite movies, aka "probably the longest post ever written by anyone in the history of the interwebs" extravaganza sometime this week?

I really need to put my glasses on....

2010-05-24T13:35:00.002-06:00

Not gonna lie, not being employed, going to school or engaged is really disheartening when all you really want is to be employed, going to school, and engaged. Especially when it seems like a new friend is getting engaged every day and I have to scrounge up happiness for them somewhere. I mean, I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm very unhappy for myself and it's hard to really find a balance in that.

I should probably get dressed and actually start making an appearance on the job hunting front. I wish I were more desirable to employers.

Ten favorite places to eat in Salt Lake and Cedar City

2010-05-19T13:56:00.002-06:00

I'm bored and still unemployed, and thinking about eating out (even though I've already eaten lunch today) so I'm going to list my favorite places to eat in Salt Lake and Cedar. I would say ever, but a lot of my choices are salt lake/cedar specific, so there you go :) these aren't in any particular order, they're all good.

1. Noodles and Co.
www.noodles.com
(various locations in Salt Lake)
seriously, Noodles and Co. is the standby for me and Cameron when we want to go out to eat. It's extremely tasty and relatively cheap (5.25 for an entree that could easily be split into two..not that we ever do that). It is also for vegetarians to find something they like, since all the entrees are noodle and vegetable based and you can add meat to it. I like that, since I'm not much of a meat eater anyways. Best dishes (in my opinion): Penne Rosa and Pesto Cavatappi. The Penne Rosa is spicy, but it's quickly become a favorite of mine. Pesto Cavatappi is a lot easier on the taste buds, and I love pesto, so it works out well :). Oh, it's also open until ten, which is nice because then Cameron and I can stroll the gateway till it closes and still make it to Noodles in time to eat :) there are also locations that are conveniently located near our haunts (Gateway, the MAC, Sugarhouse, etc.) so that's good too. I really wish one would open in Cedar!

2. Granato's
There's only two Granato's locations--downtown and randomly, right by my house. It's actually an Italian market, but they have a deli in the back that has the best sandwiches I've ever had. Seriously, I've had a lot of sandwiches and I always go back to Granatos. I thinhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2388646021562182056k it's their bread. They've got this wonderful hard bread that's got this great crunchy crust and then soft white fluffy bread underneath...its pretty much magical. They use fresh ingredients and all sorts of interesting deli meat. They also include a pepper and green olives with every sandwich, which I never eat, but my mom does! My favorites are the Muffuletta and the Italian Combo, though i don't think you could really go wrong with any of them.

3. Cafe Rio
I've been going to Cafe Rio since jr. high. It's exploded since then (seriously, it went from two locations in salt lake to like a billion) but I still think the quality is pretty good. Cafe Rio is not real Mexican food, but that's okay because I'm actually not that huge a fan of Mexican food. It uses lots of rice and beans and is heavy on the cilantro and lime. It also boasts freshly made tortillas and gigantic burritos. Oh, and pork that's marinated in Coke. But I like the chicken better :P They also inexplicably play oldies music. I remember when I was younger my mom would make me guess what songs were playing while we ate. I got very few of them right :( though I was really good about the Beach Boys! Speaking of oldies, Paul McCartney is coming to Salt Lake and my mom is positively freaking out over it. It's kind of strange. Anyways, I like the chicken tacos at Cafe Rio. Sometimes I get a salad, even more rarely a burrito, but it's always chicken and black beans for this girl.

4. Pastry Pub
One location in Cedar City, UT
Pastry Pub is this great Irish-themed restaurant that was literally a block from my apartment last year. It's got sandwiches, salads, tostadas, breakfast, dessert, coffee + tea beverages...tons of stuff. And it's all really, really good. There was a dark time when the building next to Pastry Pub closed down and it was closed for the better part of the 2008-2009 school year due to water damage...seriously, the pizza place that burned down re-opened before the Pub did :( but it's back now, so that sad year can be put behind us. I really like the ambiance of the Pastry Pub, as well as the food. They use foam coffee cups for all the drinks, so the only lids available are the raised ones meant for hot drinks. For some reason, I find this incredibly endearing. They've got a variety of seating (mostly small tables, but they have one long table in the main dining area for big groups and a banquet room) and it just has a really nice feel to it. They also offer a student discount, which I took full advantage of when I was considered a student (a current student sticker is required for the discount, so no summer discounts for me :() . I really like the mediterranean salad and the turkey sandwich sans sprouts. Their chai is good, and their tiramisu (when they had it) was divine. Mostly I go there for the food, though.

5. The Old Spaghetti Factory
Various locations in Salt Lake
The Old Spaghetti Factory is an old family favorite. Whenever we were on vacation, we would go to The Old Spaghetti Factory if there was one nearby. I've even been to the first one in Gastown, Vancouver! They always have the same menu, but the decor is different. A cool fact about the Old Spaghetti Factory is also that the trolley that diners can sit in is usually a historic trolley from the area. It's quite fitting that Trolley Square has one, then :) (that's the only one in Salt Lake I've been too, as well). I love sitting in the trolley, but I only have once. They have these great chandeliers that totally make me think of the old west (jewel tones with fringe...don't ask me why). They've also got great prices and good food. Most of their entrees are part of "The Complete Meal," which includes unlimited bread, soup or salad, tea (hot or iced), milk,or coffee, and a scoop of ice cream at the end. All of that costs between 8-14 dollars. It's great. I usually get the tortellini, but sometimes I switch it up and get other stuff. As long as I get bread, I'm good. I am in love with their bread. Cameron is too, but he has issues with the fact that the restaurant always gives us steak knives to cut bread with. When he becomes rich and famous, he wants to donate a whole ton of bread knives to the Old Spaghetti Factory. I don't mind so much. I'll gnaw on the whole loaf if I have to. Anyways. Since it's a sit-down place, but a relatively inexpensive sit down place, that's usually our go-to place for "special" events (like anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and fancy dances at the MAC). I think we might even be going there this Saturday, actually. We aren't predictable at all....

6. The Cheesecake Factory
(One location in Salt Lake)
I don't get to go here alot, but I really like it when I do. The Cheesecake factory has a huge, extensive menu that takes like ten minutes to fully look at. It also has cheesecake, but I've never actually ordered any (when it's 7 bucks a slice, I don't have much motivation to try it). This is my family's destination for special occasion places since everyone can find something they like. I used to just get the pizzas, but this last time I tried the basil and tomato pasta and thought it was excellent. The portions are GIGANTIC, by the way. Definitely easy to share or bring home for lunch. I opt to bring it home for lunch. I really dislike sharing food. Or anything, really, but food especially is something that makes me very grumbly. Anyways, I suggest the pizzas or the pastas, but there's so much to choose from that's like a drop in the bucket.

7. Pierre's Bakery
(1 Location in Salt Lake)
Pierre's Bakery is this little French Bakery in the middle of a strip mall on 33rd south. It has the best baguettes ever. I like to go in there, buy a baguette, and then carry it out under my arm. it makes me feel very French. I sometimes get the sweets they have there (eclairs) but I think that Pierre's is really all about the bread. I remember going there when I was a little girl and really liking it, and that's definitely stuck around! It was really nice in high school because it was never busy during lunch. Places like Wendy's and Einstein's would be packed with people, and when you've only got 35 minutes for lunch it sucks to stand in line for 20 minutes of it. At Pierre's I could usually just walk in, buy my bread and be able to eat it before lunch was over! If you're ever looking for great bread in the 33rd South area, Pierre's is definitely the way to go.

8. Coffee Garden
(2 locations in Salt Lake)
I love coffee shops. Most people from Cedar probably wouldn't know that, since there's one independent coffee shop in town and it closes at like, six, but I really love coffee shops. Going to a coffee shop is one of my standby activities in Salt Lake, because there's so many good ones! Coffee Garden is by far one of my favorites. It's got a great atmosphere and great drinks. It plays classical music, which I think is awesome, and they always have local art hanging on the walls. It's got exposed brick and rafters and it just looks really sophisticated. The selection is all written on a chalkboard and it sometimes changes. I love, love, LOVE their chai. I also like their steamers, and their Italian sodas are okay...but their chai is great. Cameron loves their sugar cookies, and I recently got a slice of cheesecake (three dollars as compared to seven) and that was good, too. Pretty much, I like almost everything about the Coffee Garden and you should too (even if you don't drink coffee!)

9. Greenhouse Effect
(1 location in Salt Lake)
Greenhouse Effect is another coffeehouse, and is the one that I probably frequent the most. It's on 33rd and 9th, which is close to my house, and it also has great Chai. I like their steamers and Italian sodas, too. Going to Greenhouse often feels like an unofficial high school reunion, because so many people I know frequent there. It's got a jungle theme and usually plays heavier music than Coffee Garden, but I kind of like it that way. It's also got a hodge podge of board games and books for patrons to enjoy. Cameron's been teaching me to play chess there, and it's an adventure. The chess sets always have pieces missing, or a whole variety of sizes and colors. Last night, I didn't have a black king, so I took two checker pieces, laid them on top of each other, and put them in the king's place. Cameron laughed at me, but it worked! Greenhouse also hosts local art. Right now the artist is kind of creepy, but intriguing at the same time. Greenhouse also hosts poetry readings on Sunday night, which I have yet to attend (oops). The other thing I almost totally forgot to mention about Greenhouse is their crepes! They make a variety of savory and sweet crepes, and they are awesome. I always just get the basic powdered sugar crepe, but they've got a ton of others. When I was in high school, they offered the powdered sugar crepe for one or two dollars, but sadly they don't do that anymore :( it makes me very sad inside. I don't get crepes very much anymore, but they are still definitely something to go to Greenhouse for.

10. I can't think of #10 for right now, so I'll ask you...what's your favorite place to eat where you live?

If you've read it this far, congratulations! I think I've just proved to myself that I should not write for the describing restaurants/food industry. Definitely not. Oh well. In life news, I'm still looking for employment and trying not to die of boredom. How fun!

I suck at titles

2010-05-10T23:24:00.002-06:00

So Cameron told me that one of my summer activities should be to actually blog, so I guess I'll attempt. It might be as successful as my goal to work out three times a week was last semester, but oh well.

Currently, Cameron is using half of my leg as a headrest while he takes a short nap and my right arm is resting on top of his head, so it's a little awkward to type. Forgive typos. And yes, we do normally find ourselves in positions like this. I think he's even put the laptop on my head before (it didn't work out, seeing as my head is round, but he tried). He's been working a lot and he's been really tired. And sick. and stressed. And poor. I've been not working at all, but I've also been stressed and poor. And tired of not having ANYTHING to do. Seriously. I wish I had more friends in Salt Lake, and less anti-social tendencies so I would actually call those friends. And do stuff that didn't involve spending money, because I don't have an income. Sigh.

Not having a job sucks. I've been applying everywhere I can online and I've got two interviews tomorrow. The jobs I really want aren't calling me back :( which is disappointing. I actually got a job offer last week, on Monday, but it didn't work out. The commute to Park City would have sucked, but the manager would only allow me to work three days a week if I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and that just wasn't going to fly. Every morning I wake up hoping that there will be voicemails on my phone asking to set up interviews. So far, not so much :( last year, I was searching for a full month before I got a job, which was pretty terrible. The summer before that, I never got one, which was even worse. I really wish that I could have kept my tutoring hours, but seniority and all that jazz...oh well.

So I spend a lot of my days figuring out how to spend my days. I've moved my room downstairs, but since the bigger room is currently depressing and full of random stuff, I want to spruce it up a bit (I'm thinking blue with white trim), so my stuff is housed in my old basement room. Which is tiny. And now has a full bed crammed in it when it used to be a twin. It's pretty bare bones, which I actually like, but all my stuff from Cedar is still sitting up in the living room, waiting for me to figure out what the heck to do with it. My clothes I've pretty much unpacked, and bathroom stuff is easy, but there's no place for my books and DVDs :( I thought about getting a cheap bookshelf from Ikea (seriously, 30 dollars) but i don't even know if that will fit! I really should be used to small rooms by now (especially considering the Campus Lofts small private) but I'm really not.

Anyways, one of the things I've decided to do to spend the time is take up aerobics classes. I have a hard time with most aerobics classes. the mere word makes me think of the neon-colored leotards that have the ridiculously high legs , and also that music video that I'm almost ashamed to admit that I like to watch whenever I happen upon it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_fCqg92qks (warning: mildly raunchy aerobic action going on there).

Anyways. My local rec. center (that I used to work at and also got most of my blatant aerobic generalizations from) offers a zumba class, which feels like it has a little bit more of a point than regular aerobics since it utilizes dance moves. I went to it today, and it was actually really fun! I'm sure I looked like a complete moron though, but frankly, everybody does in an aerobics class. However, I really liked it. As I was showing some of the steps to Cameron, I was reminded of just how much I really liked it. I'm definitely going back ASAP.

Speaking of going back, Going back to that rec. center made me really want to work there again. It was probably my favorite job. It was so laid back and friendly and I got hit on by old senior men who would slip me dum-dum pops over the counter. What wasn't to like? I'm thinking about applying there again...I might not get the best pay or hours, but it would be a job that I enjoyed. That might be well worth it.

Anyways, it is now entirely too late and this blog post has been sitting neglected for like two hours (Cameron and his awkward sleeping position is long gone), so I'm going to go to bed now. If I post again tomorrow, hooray! if not, then see you in a week...or a year (more likely).

If I could time travel, I'd go to 1955

2009-05-28T01:12:00.003-06:00

Sadly, my reason is quite shallow. The clothes! Come on, I had a body built for the 50's, and I loved the style back then. I still long for a pair of saddle shoes, and that prom dress Sandy wore in Grease. I guess the dancing would be a good reason too--I'm not much of a bump and grind kind of girl. It makes me feel awkward, even with my boyfriend. I much prefer steps with footwork and I used to love, love, love swing. Now I'm more into ballroom, but I still think that fits the 50's better than it fits now. And have you seen the competition dresses for ballroom dance in the 50's? Holy fluffy dresses! I found some youtube videos of old school ballroom competitions, and I'd have to say they are probably some of the coolest things I've seen in awhile and must share:

Edit: Somehow I knew I should have saved those links...ugh. I'll fix it later. Technical difficulties, folks!

This is a 1959 video of the paso doble. Look at the dresses! They are fabulous and I wish they were still in style for ballroom. Here's a video from 2008 for comparison:

And just to have fun, here's some standard, too:

So now that you've seen the Viennese Waltz in 1939 (with commentary in German :P), here it is in 2008!

Looks...pretty similar. Then again, I think standard is mostly people living out their fantasy of being Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire (which there is nothing wrong with, by the way) so I wouldn't really expect much else :)

Costumes now = more scandalous. And more fringeful, which I don't really get, but oh well. And for the record, I have a very hard time taking paso seriously when it's danced by someone in a pink fringed dress. It just doesn't work for me at all.

Well, I totally went on a tangent from why I would want to live in 1955, but oh well. I think spiffy past and present ballroom videos is much more interesting than my other reason (I'd want to actually take part in the feminist movement). It may be shallow, but really--who can resist those fluffy dresses?

random poem I found going through my papers today

2008-03-18T00:25:00.003-06:00

That night, the blinds cut the moonlight
into slats that crossed your chest
and I knew the bed would be empty the next
morning. Your eyes that change color
depending on what you wore were empty.
You dozed while I got dressed, and hugged me goodbye
when I shook your bare shoulder awake.
I drove home without the radio and stared
at a blank computer screen, fretting
until the skin started to peel off and I picked at it like scabs.
The next day you set to work building a wall
around you.

I put you on a shelf with the rest of them
blank but still lingering.
Your eyes gleam in the blue light of the TV as
I try to sleep and I turn you to face the wall
but I can still feel you.

And when we say goodbye part of you sags
against me
fitting your hands and nose into their proper position
but I pull away.
I have to.

When I type my hands look like they're
fretting. The calluses are only at the top the pads
are still raw. Soft tissue
waiting to be salted.

Tracing the Landscape

2007-08-31T14:47:00.001-06:00

I.

One eye must be closed.
Until you are half blind
you cannot see that
the sky is gray
and the train moves
too quickly
to sketch.

II.

Your body will become a tool.
A hip pressed tight against the radiator
a lip curled to close an eye
left hand with pen
right circled around a ring
to keep balance.

III.

Shifting weight means shift in perspective.
Shifting perspective means that pedestal
next to platform
is now inside platform.
Shifting weight means stalling to say goodbye
and repeating footwork to the samba
while attempting to

IV.
keep the eye steady
on the invisible dot
that means the horizon.
Otherwise
the white cement steps won't
line up with the
cream concrete pillars
and 'next week' will feel like

V.
there will be chaos.
Straight lines never came from freehand
drawings
and love never came
from rules.

Sally Bowles

2007-08-31T14:42:00.001-06:00

Let's dance until
the rain washes away
our footprints
and the mud is too thick
to step

Let's drive west
until the road stops
and gravel begins
open the roof
say hello to the sky

Let's gather all the stars
we can find
and hold them in our hands
until they glow
white hot
and we let them drop
like marbles

And then let's jump
into the lake
holding hands
until we hit the bottom

Let's do all this
then come home to my quilt
sleep in a mess of blankets so
when I wake up
and you're gone
it's harder to tell

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2007-08-31T14:31:00.000-06:00

I am waiting for you
to say I love you
into the phone one more time
quiet
so white noise almost catches it and
carries it to static
before I hear

Waiting for you
to pull me to your chest
and let me lay against
your heartbeat
our skin bare
and warm
and slathed in
slotted sunlight from your window

I am waiting for you to leave me
with the clouds
the songs and the crumbs we've let
fall behind us
so you can come back
find me in a thicket of spindly
branched trees
cold grass in a park
thick sheets

wrapped in your arms
listening to your heart
beat